I was having a bad day to begin with.
My day started bad due to one simple mistake. A mistake that would ruin the next two weeks of my life.
I was opening my brand spanking new Honey Bunches of Oats w/ Almonds (Family Pack, I don't have a family, but now I know I can feed one). Everything was going fine until I began to open the clear bag in the box. With horror I saw a tear open down the side of the bag, nowhere near the top. Like a surgeon who just nicked an artery, I took a deep breath and tried to repair the damage. I tried to go in from the other side of the bag. But woes me! The mistake repeated itself! And now the two rips met in the middle to create an inferno of honey bunches and oats.
So now for the next two weeks, pouring cereal will be a messy .... tedious .... chore. If it wasn't for the almonds I wouldn't even bother.
But, as the day went on, I realized something much worse was in the air. It was October 1st, a relatively inconspicuous day. But as I was crossing campus, I noticed a large number of rather sickly looking people were handing out flyers and brochures. As it so happened, one of them caught my eye, and immediately rushed to give me a brochure. As I took it, she said "Happy Vegetarian Day!"
My first impulse was to laugh, which for some reason offended her, and she walked off to eat some bean curd.
Then I actually looked at the brochure. Underneath a title reading "The Vegetarian Starter Kit", there were pictures of chickens, cows, pigs, and fish......This was a terrible starting kit for a vegetarian....It would be like showing a priest a Playboy before he takes his vows.
Sidenote: I once had a girlfriend who claimed she was a vegetarian, except that she ate poultry .... she goes to U Penn now ...... and it confuses me.
There is, of course, a reason people like meat more than vegetables:
"Meat tastes better because it has a soul, and souls make things taste good."
-Blog Patron DTWO-324522 (a.k.a. Stu)
This patron, let's call him "Stu", has long been a supporter of meat. But it was to my complete chagrin, that....on this same day of October the first....I discover he has decided to turn veggie. It's one thing to do it for animal rights or whatever.....but he went the political route. I'd give you the whole lecture about methane emission, unsustainable factory farming of meat, destruction of habitat, and poor protein output...but "Stu" already put me through it and I would never do that to another human being.
Normally, I would consider these arguments retarded. It is an issue that can only be handled on a government-wide basis. But...I think I might have been proven wrong by the infallible logic of "Stu".
Quick, turn on CNN! They're probably broadcasting it now!
By not consuming meat, he is single-handedly bankrupting the entire infrastructure of factory meat production in America...nay...the world. Even as you read this, great things are happening. Cattle are roaming free. Chickens have just started migrating away from Kentucky. Pigs are setting up communist communities. Fish are... swimming... no big change there.
Despite all of this "Stu", if that is indeed your real alias, you have still severely lost credentials in my book. I guess at the next barbeque you can eat my fucked up Honey Bunches of Oats.
My day started bad due to one simple mistake. A mistake that would ruin the next two weeks of my life.
I was opening my brand spanking new Honey Bunches of Oats w/ Almonds (Family Pack, I don't have a family, but now I know I can feed one). Everything was going fine until I began to open the clear bag in the box. With horror I saw a tear open down the side of the bag, nowhere near the top. Like a surgeon who just nicked an artery, I took a deep breath and tried to repair the damage. I tried to go in from the other side of the bag. But woes me! The mistake repeated itself! And now the two rips met in the middle to create an inferno of honey bunches and oats.
So now for the next two weeks, pouring cereal will be a messy .... tedious .... chore. If it wasn't for the almonds I wouldn't even bother.
But, as the day went on, I realized something much worse was in the air. It was October 1st, a relatively inconspicuous day. But as I was crossing campus, I noticed a large number of rather sickly looking people were handing out flyers and brochures. As it so happened, one of them caught my eye, and immediately rushed to give me a brochure. As I took it, she said "Happy Vegetarian Day!"
My first impulse was to laugh, which for some reason offended her, and she walked off to eat some bean curd.
Then I actually looked at the brochure. Underneath a title reading "The Vegetarian Starter Kit", there were pictures of chickens, cows, pigs, and fish......This was a terrible starting kit for a vegetarian....It would be like showing a priest a Playboy before he takes his vows.
Sidenote: I once had a girlfriend who claimed she was a vegetarian, except that she ate poultry .... she goes to U Penn now ...... and it confuses me.
There is, of course, a reason people like meat more than vegetables:
"Meat tastes better because it has a soul, and souls make things taste good."
-Blog Patron DTWO-324522 (a.k.a. Stu)
This patron, let's call him "Stu", has long been a supporter of meat. But it was to my complete chagrin, that....on this same day of October the first....I discover he has decided to turn veggie. It's one thing to do it for animal rights or whatever.....but he went the political route. I'd give you the whole lecture about methane emission, unsustainable factory farming of meat, destruction of habitat, and poor protein output...but "Stu" already put me through it and I would never do that to another human being.
Normally, I would consider these arguments retarded. It is an issue that can only be handled on a government-wide basis. But...I think I might have been proven wrong by the infallible logic of "Stu".
Quick, turn on CNN! They're probably broadcasting it now!
By not consuming meat, he is single-handedly bankrupting the entire infrastructure of factory meat production in America...nay...the world. Even as you read this, great things are happening. Cattle are roaming free. Chickens have just started migrating away from Kentucky. Pigs are setting up communist communities. Fish are... swimming... no big change there.
Despite all of this "Stu", if that is indeed your real alias, you have still severely lost credentials in my book. I guess at the next barbeque you can eat my fucked up Honey Bunches of Oats.
You know....in parts of South America, testicles are a delicacy. I should give them a call because there's a pair up here that aren't being used.
Byah!
-Rob
1 comment:
BURN!! i always knew stu was just pretending to have balls. if hes gonna stop eating meat for the environment he better stop driving his car...even if it is a hybrid! next bbq im going to handfeed stu yummy burgers.
p.s. woe is me
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