Dirty Dirty Dirty

People have dirty minds.

I will not receive a comment on this post saying, 'oh no Joe, Rob, or Matt...people are naturally good, and never think of naughty thoughts when someone on Law & Order says "penal system"."

I won't get any complaints because everybody knows I'm right. The proof of my statement is rampant. Search for anything on Google with the word 'box' in it and you better have a Church nearby for some major confessions. But what has really proven it for me is how we can take the most innocent things in the world and make them literary phalli. Yes, the plural of phallus is phalli, had to look that one up, I can tell ya.

I use the word phallus because it was ingrained into me by AP English...you happy Mrs. Sturtz?! All the girl in that story was doing was climbing a tree! Now every time I go hiking all I can think of is Ron Jeremy!

Anyways.... So yes, making innocent things dirty. We can turn any innocent thing dirty. Now...what can be more innocent than simple games? Some meant entirely for children.

Well Timmy, you don't want to know what happened on that old hand-me-down Twister your mom gave you. Every awkward high school moment of my life I think can be traced back to a game of Twister. Should definetly not have played with those theatre kids. Right hand on blue...."GEORGE! I know my pants are blue, but that's the third time tonight!" I try to complain to the two band kids who were also playing, but they're already having sex on the spinner.

Then there's Jenga, the wonderfully educational game about structural integrity. A wonderfully innocent game...until someone grabs a sharpie and starts on page one of the Kama Sutra. I have no idea how that kid drew the Caffeinated Monkey position on that little block, and I have even less of an idea of how I pulled it off.

Lets say it's a rainy day outside, and you're with your family. Your grandma brings out a deck of cards, and the afternoon is a revelry of high-passioned games. 7 up 7 down, kings, hearts, maybe even some poker (with all of Aunt Jenna's Botox she has a great poker face). Now change the situation a bit, and you're with a bunch of friends of relatively equal gender ratio....Someone brings out a deck of cards, and the afternoon is a revelry of high-passioned games. All of the games listed above are played, except before each game name comes the word STRIP. It makes everything more interesting. "Hey guys! Strip Bridge!" "Do we even know how to play?".........."Does it matter?"

Look guys. All of you kids newly stripped from parental restrictions and ready to go nuts with your new found freedom. All of you vibrant couples having some fun. And all of you Austrians, yes you sick depraved Austrians. Listen to me. Forget the games, forget the innuendo, forget the sexual connotations. Forget all of it and just.....screw. Get all of those sexual energies out so we can have a regular time of it. Cause I would really like to have a conversation without the constant threat of someone shouting out "That's what she said! OOOOOHHHHHH!"

Byah!
Rob