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Sadly, this is a cold monopolized capitalistic world on whose crotch Matt is happy to lick. And so I have to admit that this blog of the ages has succumbed to our corporate masters. Our page is now full of advertisements. And people, with your help, we can make some serious bank if you just start clicking on them. Divided three ways, we can each stand to make over 22 cents a month. Just think about what that is in yen!

What happens is that a computer sifts through our blogs, and comes up with sponsors that our best represented in the pieces.

Here are some of my favorites:

For Spoiled and Stalls, a very general rant on public bathrooms we have been sponsored by Toilet Partitions and More! Custom built and low cost. And as befitting such a noble enterprise, the website is www.TinkleProducts.com. hehehe

For A Rebuttal to Rob, a piece which showed to the world that Matt is certainly not a dirty rotten commie we have been endorsed by Buy Capitalism Apparel! Show your standing! And I'm sure all products were made by your fellow capitalists, the Burma Orphan Foundation!

...I have found a very bizarre ad. I'm just going to type it out:
WE NEED YOU TO WRITE. Write short articles & earn cash. Free, Fun, Fans! Try Helium now!
I'm confused. Apparently that's the buzz of choice for free and fun writers.

In the first of Matt's blogs, Life's too Short to Vote, he went on a rant about how voting was a giant waste of time and he won't do it. In fact he tries to discourage our readers against voting as well. This was his ad: Presidential Vote Race! We need your vote!!
They really should screen these things.

And finally, this last add was again advertised with Spoiling and Stalls, along with TinkleProducts.com (hehe). This one easily takes the cake because it was the only one I felt compelled to click. I had to know what this was all about. Before I begin my discussion on the ad, I'm just going to give you the website: www.CleanButt.com

I'm gonna go ahead and give you a moment to visit www.CleanButt.com and you can come back to me in a second.


Go ahead.







Alright then.
First off, holy mother of awesomeness I'm excited to become rich one day. For the people out there who have gone beyond Charmin Ultra...I bring you...the CleanButt BidetSpa.


Point number one, the last four digits of the phone number is BUTT. I don't know a lot about pre-planning phone numbers, but something tells me that the only other companies who used BUTT at the end (hahah, think about it) are selling something much less hygienic. (Joe's last four spell out MEAT. I think MEAT and BUTT should give each other a ring)

Point number two, I think when nature calls you have to relax, that's the whole point. You don't go all stressed....unless you recently had a burrito.

Point number three, yes I tried to look between the knees.

Number four, it comes with a WIRELESS REMOTE. Say that again Rob, I didn't hear you. A WIRELESS REMOTE! Oh good God Almighty what must be happening to people around the world?

"Timmy! Stop pushing that! Timmy! Stop rinsing daddy's ass!"
or
"Baby, my jaw is tired, why don't you sit down on the toilet for a while?"


Alright guys keep clickin those ads!


Byah!
Rob

Spoiled and Stalls

I have recently discovered that I am a spoiled brat.
I'm not talking about getting all the Hot Wheels I wanted and getting every Land Before Time DVD that came out every month.

I'm talking about bathrooms.

During my past summer internship, I had the opportunity to use a very nice bathroom whenever I wanted (or needed). It had motion sensor toilets, faucets, and paper towel rolls. Quite literally the only thing I had to touch was myself.

Unfortunately I have grown used to those amenities, and I occasionally forget that those plebeians with whom I dwell don't have motion sensor bathroom facilities.... Lets just say I sometimes accidentally leave presents for the next user of the stall. I wait up to 15 seconds at the sink waving my hands around like Harry Potter waiting for water to come.

The point of course being that I'm sick of these fancy bathrooms. The faucets are the worst. They either run for half a second, just long enough so it gives you hope but cuts out after you move your hands from the sensor. Either that, or they last two and half minutes. So that after a while you begin to think...I think my hands are clean...but the sink isn't letting me go....it must know what I did in there.

And then theres the industrial sized blow dryers from hell. Which do....nothing....nothing at all. I know the bathroom executives are trying to reduce the risk of germs by not having people touch a paper towel roll, and so they created the most unused product to hit bathrooms since the Handicapped Stall. If I needed to get my hands dried, I'd feel more comfortable wiping them off on an elephant's taint than using the automated air dryer.

The Handicapped Stall, thats another item (bit off topic, but you'll deal with it). Everybody uses it. Everybody. But I'm just wondering how you would feel if you finished up in there, put the Wallstreet or People or Teen Life (whatever it is you read) under your arm, walk out, and find a guy paralyzed from the nipple down waiting out there, ready to kick your ass.

Anyway, I conclude today with this simple bit of advice: shit in the woods. Its easier.

Byah!
Rob

A Rebuttal to Rob

I don’t think I’ve ever been called a socialist before. I’m enraged, and I wouldn’t take your Kramer poster if came with 72 virgins and a “manshake.”

First, I’m a capitalist through-and-through. If capitalism were a lady she’d be mine. If capitalism was being attacked by thirteen armed Eastern European terrorists trying to steal $640,000,000 in negotiable bearer bonds I’d kill them all and do it without shoes.

Second, there’s a difference between political and economic systems. Even if being concerned about the efficacy of voting indicated I might be a fan of tyranny that has nothing to do with economics.

Third, sack up and finish your milkshakes. If you don’t throw up at McDonald’s you’re not having fun yet.

On a related note, this book is my bible and this man is my god.

-Matt

"Johan Norberg's book is a stunningly insightful, brilliantly detailed refutation of the crank theories of the anti-globalists. In Defense of Global Capitalism is a shining example of what a gifted mind can do working with the truth to advance the cause of capitalism, which in the end is the cause of every decent man and woman."
--Ben Stein

Last Will and Testement

It is to you seven readers out there (two of them being writers) that I leave my last will and testement. For I fear that my demise is nigh. I am visited by the most terrible of afflictions. Those of you who know me should stay away, lest they must bear my burden with me.

When the moon reaches that most pivotal point....waxing crescent....thats when it comes upon me......Restless Leg Syndrome!

For almost 14 minutes, I have the unresistable urge to walk around. Don't look at me when I am in such a demented state!

Oh no

The moon.....its looking waxy tonight. I will try to finish my will with these last hurried words.

Joe, I leave you the last of my condoms, you have until 2010 for them to expire. Matt, I leave you my Kramer poster, I've been wanting to get rid of it for a while because it makes me feel racist.

Ok then.

The MOON! aaaaaahhhh


Ok gotta walk.

-Rob

Life’s too short to vote

Everyone expects me to have an opinion on elections. I don’t. My vote doesn’t matter. Neither does yours. Perhaps if you campaign for a candidate you can make a difference in whether or not they get elected, but voting alone as a political activity doesn’t make a difference. When people ask me what I think of Obama or Hillary they think I’m joking when I respond Obama’s black and supports ethanol subsidies and Hillary’s a woman who excessively hates on free trade.

I just wanted to make this clear at the outset: I’m a firm believer in the idea that voting is a waste of time. I won’t vote in the federal primary or election. However, for those of you interested in kidding yourselves, I’ve decided to do some non-partisan blogging on each of the major candidates. At the very least I’ll be able to make small talk at parties with people I don’t really care about anyway. So hopefully over the next couple of months you can look forward to disillusioned political commentary from me.

Joining LTS fashionably late,

Matt S.

Subtlety

As I have repeatedly told my blogging compatriot: literary genius cannot be rushed! If this is indeed to be the blog of the ages, it requires careful planning, detailed prose, and the correct vernacular to better reach the multitude of the internet public. But most of all, I need a sophisticated topic.

So I think I'd prefer my condoms being made in America.

Yeah, I said it.

I want a Made in Detroit sticker on my Trojan. I don't want it made in China! You have any idea how many people they have over there? No way their condoms work. They're probably made of bamboo. The last thing I want is a splinter, and neither does she.
Byah!

-Rob