I'm gonna go ahead and tell you about the most embarrassing experience a guy can have.
You just finished up your soda, and you're walking down the sidewalk. Up ahead of you, you see a trashcan fast approaching. As you pass by it, you nonchalantly give the required 1.5 foot toss of your trash into the receptacle. Seems simple, no?
Your projectile, inspired to some mischief, hits the rim of the trashcan and bounces back out. And it always lands five feet from you in the middle of a crowded sidewalk.
It's one thing if this was a Styrofoam cup, or even a crunched up aluminum can. No, this is full-on soda bottle, so it starts bouncing down the sidewalk, making the doink doink noises so everybody knows what just happened. Not only that, but those bottles don't have a uniform shape, making it bounce rogue all over the place. So you're jumping around the sidewalk trying to grab this demon-bottle, cause you don't want people to think, 'Oh, not only is he a bad shot, he's a litter bug, too.'
Well finally you catch the damn thing. You're not near the can anymore. People are giving you side-long glances. Your reputation on this turf has been severely shattered. You know there's only one shot at redemption. You have to turn the most embarrassing experience a guy can have into the most spectacular experience a guy can have.
You line up your shot. Twenty feet to the can. You have to take the wind into account because PET is a very light plastic. You set your feet, cock back...and let it fly. People pause. A single breath stretches for a lifetime. Little drops of soda start scattering from the spinning bottle, but the spectators don't care because they're part of history now.
Could it be.....?
Yes, nailed it!!!
Your work is done. Time to move on.
BYAH!
Rob
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Who are We?
When Joe stopped contributing to the blog, he made a few changes.
He erased a majority of his comments on our profile page, for starters. And he changed the authors of the blog from Joe and Rob to just Rob.
However, he forgot that in the format of the blog, it read: Who are we? before naming the authors. So, unknown to me, for the last month, on the right hand side it has said:
Joe, in his spite, has made the world think I have multiple personalities.
I believe all of us here have solved the problem though.
Belated BYAH!
-Rob
He erased a majority of his comments on our profile page, for starters. And he changed the authors of the blog from Joe and Rob to just Rob.
However, he forgot that in the format of the blog, it read: Who are we? before naming the authors. So, unknown to me, for the last month, on the right hand side it has said:
Who are We?
Rob
Joe, in his spite, has made the world think I have multiple personalities.
I believe all of us here have solved the problem though.
Belated BYAH!
-Rob
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Appalachian Hollywood
I feel obligated to explain my abysmal lack of posting to this rallying point of American culture. It's time you faced the facts: I am actually quite uninteresting. I only post when something of interest actually occurs (and I remember it by the time I get home). Of those that I remember, about 50% turn out to be funny only to me. Another 49% of them are 'you had to be there stories'. This leave 1% of everything interesting that happens to me that I can relate to you readers.
At this point, most of you are likely wondering if I'm actually going to tell a tale or if I'm just pissing in the wind (you can make a rainbow if you angle it right). The others out there are wondering where the pictures are because they Googled 'erotic pinecone'. Click BACK you weirdos!
Well, enough is enough, I do have a tale.
Some of you might remember a certain blog of mine entitled "The Big Screen" in which I regaled you about the debut of my acting career.
Sidenote: None of the acting involved the use of a pinecone. Seriously, click BACK right now. And get help.
The film was campus-produced giving advice about the process of moving off campus, and I had a relatively large role in it. That was several months ago. Guess what? We're still shooting! There was big screw-up in the management, and we ended up being delayed for a very long time. Somebody couldn't work at that date. Somebody couldn't work on the other date. The cinematographer had to pick up a shift at Burger King......it was a royal mess.
But finally, in the past week, we have started the gears rolling again. We started filming outside of somebody's house. We never met the owners....I hope they knew what was going on.
For starters, the place was a dump. Shingles were literally falling off the roof while we were there. Half of the windows were covered up by, no joke, aluminum foil. In the yard, there was a beer pong table on its side next to another beer pong table. And here's the kicker: the place was covered in Halloween decorations. It is currently late April. Something is amiss in this neighborhood. As you walk in the front door, there is a six foot zombie bride holding a bowl that I'm sure was once filled with candies but now seemed to be a bin for condom wrappers.
Sidenote: Hopefully nobody saw me, but I moved the zombie by a window so she could have a roll in the movie. We'll see if she makes the cut.
The first scene that we shot was a night shot that was all about an unplanned keg party growing in size: people wandering up to the porch, holding plastic cups (filled with grape soda). If any of you readers actually get to watch this thing, there will be a moment when you hear a jangle of keys, you see some car lights go off, a door will slam, and then somebody walks into the shot to join the party. I am intricately involved in this scene. Not because I was the guy walking in, or even his friend he meets up with. No. I have the all-important roll as light-flicker and door slammer....a role which i performed for forty-three minutes.
Normally, I would be greatly annoyed by this, and would have taken a nap or done homework, but something extraordinary kept happening. We had a dozen-or-so extras in this shot, all holding red cups as props, laughing, gamboling around in between takes. Off to one side there was a bright light and a camera, but it really wasn't that noticeable. So, every now and then... a group of freshmen (I assume this because no one else would be so naive) would walk up, start talking, and then ask where they could buy a cup. Of course, nobody would tell them what was going on...because the look on their faces when the director yelled "Quiet on set!"....priceless.
Well, after a while, I got my chance to say a few lines as well. I actually have no idea how good of an actor I am, but I'm positive I'll be nominated for some sort of award for my work. Send me an email if you would like a shout-out in my acceptance speech.
A few days later we did some more filming. I had a leading role in one scene as the guy raking leaves and then going to meet the neighbors. To start with, it took 23 takes for the director to say I got it right, so that little patch of grass was raked straight through to the bedrock. It took so many takes because I could not control that damn rake. Every which way I positioned it...the handle was in front of my face...or the neighbor's face....or the roommate's face. It was impossible. When I tried to hold it behind me, I was told that it looked like a massive hickory penis. When I asked what the problem was, I had to take a timeout.
The last scene that I shot was about my roommates and I meeting with a campus lawyer to discuss our lease. The guy playing the lawyer actually was the campus lawyer. When I met him, he told me wasn't an actor. I replied that I wasn't either. We bonded immediately.
So it had been a hot day, and I was wearing shorts and t-shirt (what I always wear when meeting with a lawyer). The shot involved the two of us sitting down and discussing some questions we had about the apartment. That night, after the filming was done, I was getting ready for bed. And that's when I remembered that I had decided not to wear any underwear that day. So I had just shot a scene... facing the camera... sitting down.... with a pair of relatively open shorts.... and nothing to stop this from being an R rated informational film.
So that's that. I am done filming. They should be done with editing and touch-ups and special effects by the end of summer (Smeagol apparently makes an appearance). I'll let you guys know how I look on camera when I see the final production, and I'll try to bootleg a copy for everybody to view.
Until then...
Byah!
Rob
At this point, most of you are likely wondering if I'm actually going to tell a tale or if I'm just pissing in the wind (you can make a rainbow if you angle it right). The others out there are wondering where the pictures are because they Googled 'erotic pinecone'. Click BACK you weirdos!
Well, enough is enough, I do have a tale.
Some of you might remember a certain blog of mine entitled "The Big Screen" in which I regaled you about the debut of my acting career.
Sidenote: None of the acting involved the use of a pinecone. Seriously, click BACK right now. And get help.
The film was campus-produced giving advice about the process of moving off campus, and I had a relatively large role in it. That was several months ago. Guess what? We're still shooting! There was big screw-up in the management, and we ended up being delayed for a very long time. Somebody couldn't work at that date. Somebody couldn't work on the other date. The cinematographer had to pick up a shift at Burger King......it was a royal mess.
But finally, in the past week, we have started the gears rolling again. We started filming outside of somebody's house. We never met the owners....I hope they knew what was going on.
For starters, the place was a dump. Shingles were literally falling off the roof while we were there. Half of the windows were covered up by, no joke, aluminum foil. In the yard, there was a beer pong table on its side next to another beer pong table. And here's the kicker: the place was covered in Halloween decorations. It is currently late April. Something is amiss in this neighborhood. As you walk in the front door, there is a six foot zombie bride holding a bowl that I'm sure was once filled with candies but now seemed to be a bin for condom wrappers.
Sidenote: Hopefully nobody saw me, but I moved the zombie by a window so she could have a roll in the movie. We'll see if she makes the cut.
The first scene that we shot was a night shot that was all about an unplanned keg party growing in size: people wandering up to the porch, holding plastic cups (filled with grape soda). If any of you readers actually get to watch this thing, there will be a moment when you hear a jangle of keys, you see some car lights go off, a door will slam, and then somebody walks into the shot to join the party. I am intricately involved in this scene. Not because I was the guy walking in, or even his friend he meets up with. No. I have the all-important roll as light-flicker and door slammer....a role which i performed for forty-three minutes.
Normally, I would be greatly annoyed by this, and would have taken a nap or done homework, but something extraordinary kept happening. We had a dozen-or-so extras in this shot, all holding red cups as props, laughing, gamboling around in between takes. Off to one side there was a bright light and a camera, but it really wasn't that noticeable. So, every now and then... a group of freshmen (I assume this because no one else would be so naive) would walk up, start talking, and then ask where they could buy a cup. Of course, nobody would tell them what was going on...because the look on their faces when the director yelled "Quiet on set!"....priceless.
Well, after a while, I got my chance to say a few lines as well. I actually have no idea how good of an actor I am, but I'm positive I'll be nominated for some sort of award for my work. Send me an email if you would like a shout-out in my acceptance speech.
A few days later we did some more filming. I had a leading role in one scene as the guy raking leaves and then going to meet the neighbors. To start with, it took 23 takes for the director to say I got it right, so that little patch of grass was raked straight through to the bedrock. It took so many takes because I could not control that damn rake. Every which way I positioned it...the handle was in front of my face...or the neighbor's face....or the roommate's face. It was impossible. When I tried to hold it behind me, I was told that it looked like a massive hickory penis. When I asked what the problem was, I had to take a timeout.
The last scene that I shot was about my roommates and I meeting with a campus lawyer to discuss our lease. The guy playing the lawyer actually was the campus lawyer. When I met him, he told me wasn't an actor. I replied that I wasn't either. We bonded immediately.
So it had been a hot day, and I was wearing shorts and t-shirt (what I always wear when meeting with a lawyer). The shot involved the two of us sitting down and discussing some questions we had about the apartment. That night, after the filming was done, I was getting ready for bed. And that's when I remembered that I had decided not to wear any underwear that day. So I had just shot a scene... facing the camera... sitting down.... with a pair of relatively open shorts.... and nothing to stop this from being an R rated informational film.
So that's that. I am done filming. They should be done with editing and touch-ups and special effects by the end of summer (Smeagol apparently makes an appearance). I'll let you guys know how I look on camera when I see the final production, and I'll try to bootleg a copy for everybody to view.
Until then...
Byah!
Rob
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
X-Games
So I was comfortably dining with my friends Joe and Mary (I need to meet new people), when a blast from the past strolled up next to us. His name was John.
Sidenote: Regular readers may recall I have a friend named Jon. Different people. One of them is Jewish.John is a character all by himself. Let me try to introduce him.
He attended high school with myself and Joe. Now lets just say this: John is a smart guy. He is a Biochemistry major, he took AP Biology with me, and will probably end up richer than me. I will also say this though: in 10th grade he invited me to go smoke pot and play Mario Bros.. Yes, he is that kid. There have been previous posts that described that kid as the know-it-all teacher's pet. John is that kid: the one who gets high, doesn't study, sleeps in class.....and still does better than the previous that kid. Oh, and he says 'dude' a lot.My best memories happened during AP Biology. Just as class starts, he decides he needs to go to the bathroom. He comes back an hour later...looking a little woozy....and wearing bright pink girl flip flops. He still doesn't quite remember what happened.
For his final biology project, he did research on hydroponics. This is a method of growing plants by suspending them in water instead of in soil. His visual was a stem of cannabis stuck into a pot filled with corn flakes.... When he got a bad grade, he just started saying over and over, "But I brought the pot! I brought the pot!"
OK, well this kid shows up during our meal. We check on how he's doing ("good, dude, good"). Then he asks us what we've been up to. I reply, joking, "Well, we tried acid." "Really?!" His face was lit up like the Fourth of July during Christmas. I can relate his ecstatic response to only one thing: the look on a gay guy's face when you tell him your friend is also gay.
Sidenote: Joe still hasn't quite forgiven me. And I'm still laughing.
We quickly disappoint him by saying we were kidding. He shrugs and says, "It's just that I did it this last weekend...." (Yippee! Storytime!)
Apparently he had gone to some music festival in southern Florida and lost a week of his life. There was a lot going on, but the only story he told us about was his experience with "Ecstasy".
Sidenote: A quick science lesson: Ecstasy (or X, E, or XTC) is actually Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, a drug that causes pronounced euphoria, inner peace, and urinary retention (Wikipedia, 2007).
Ecstasy is that drug that makes you love everything, but you might die. In general, I try to stay away from things that cause death. But that's me. John was fortunate enough to have an experienced user with him who knew to bring a camelpack of water (which stops the whole dying thing).
John was trying to relate the experience to us: they really loved the water. Like, they loved it. It felt so cool and smooth and it made them happy. It was like the best water ever. And they just wanted everyone to drink the water, everybody they loved, everybody, come drink the awesome water! It just tastes soooo gooooood.
The best part of the tale was this: somewhere during the event...John found that he had a ball of light in his hands ... like.... the Dragonball Z things. So he spent a couple hours holding this energy ball in his hands, hoping nobody made him angry, or he might accidentally go Kamaya Maya on their ass (his words, not mine).
I was unaware that Ecstasy gave you spheres of light in your hands. Can you imagine what middle school would have been like if we knew this? There wouldn't be a sober kid in the class! So, if I take this little pill....I can shoot balls of fire! Come on Timmy, we're gonna go fight aliens!
Anyway, long story short. I'm glad I never took John up on that offering of pot in 10th grade.
BYAH!
Rob
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Irresistible
This might be a tough break to all my female readers out there, but I am, in fact, in a relationship.
Sidenote: Don't let her know.
We have been dating for quite some time now. It'll always be easy to remember our anniversary because I met her at Mardi Gras Free Pancake Day at IHOP, and took her out about a week later. So whenever I see beads, I know to buy flowers.
That first date though..... Let's just say there shouldn't have been a second. I'll now give the complete rendition:
The Game-Plan
As a general rule, I like to plan out my romantic possibilities. I almost never ask a girl out until I'm completely positive she'll say yes, even if she does it half-heartedly. I have actually only be turned down once. DAMN YOU PAIGE!
So, I had met her at IHOP. I was focusing on picking which syrup to use, so I didn't give a whole lot of thought into possible dating until I woke up from my pancake-coma the next day.
I checked her on facebook to make sure she was cool, and was intrigued by her Favorite Quote: "friends are like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth." I was convinced she was the one.
Problem: I wasn't in a state of familiarity to just call her up, and I'm really bad at pretending to bump into people: "Imagine seeing you again.....in your bathroom."
Solution: She was a friend of my pal Jon, so I made him have a party. Perfect.
Springing the Trap
Well, we're all there. I'm making awkward glances at my soon-to-be-girlfriend (little does she know). There's beer pong, darts (perfect game for a crowded room of intoxicated people), and Smash.
Sidenote on Smash: I am of course referring to Super Smash Brothers, a fantastic game. My friends Jon and Stu are ridiculously good at it, and make me and Joe look ridiculous. And then we go play other people, and make them look ridiculous. And they cry. I have recently come into possession of Super Smash Brothers Brawl (the Wii version)....and I haven't done homework in about a week. There is no joke here, somebody please take this away from me.
So I walk up to my lady, and I open with this smooth line. "Hey...... (ten seconds of silence).... wanna learn how to play darts?" Scared of her response, I peed in my pants. So I spent some time with her, explaining how the pointy end goes into the board, and you wanna hit the middle. I found out that she already knew how to play, and was actually pretty good. I'm going to stick with the story that I let her win ....yeah.
OK, so talking was happening, and I was getting a few smiles. Everything seemed right on tract. So I went with the next line in my arsenal: "Hey, wanna drive me home?" Now at first this may not seem like a smart move, slightly emasculating, even. But let me explain. She is a woman...and she is what the authorities call "Asian". The fact that I plucked up the courage to allow her to drive me was a major turn-on.
Well, I won't delve into the awkward conversation that followed in the car (you've heard and done it before, no reason to elaborate). As she drove up next to my dorm (oh yeah baby ... BUNK BEDS!) I knew I should try to ask her out.
One reason for my exceptionally low turn-down rating is the manner by which I ask a girl out. I have discovered I should only deal with hypotheticals. I ask, "If I were to ask you out, what would you say?" If she giggles, laugh, cries, or pees herself, I can respond with a quick, "Well good thing I'm not!" If, however, she says she would say yes in this hypothetical, I say, "OK, pick you up at 7," and I bolt away as fast as I can before she changes her mind.
Well, lucky for me, she said she would allow me to court her. She told me later she checked me out as I ran down the sidewalk.
Casanova on Steroids
The day had come. It was time for me to go on a date. Plans had already been made. We were going to see the movie "Music and Lyrics"....
Sidenote: Our lost compatriot, Joe, has a huge crush on Hugh Grant. He went to go see this romantic comedy with his sister. He called it delightful. His favorite quote of the movie:
Vixen: "Why are your pants so tight?"
Hugh: "It forces all the blood to my heart."
Stunning.
.... and afterwards go to Red Lobster. I like to go to dinner after a movie. For starters, I get the matinee price. And also, at dinner we can talk about the movie. In total, I'm cheap and desperate for conversation topics.
So, plans are in order, I'm excited to go. I called my gal to make sure she was ready, and then set off in my polo shirt. All I had to do is walk over to the parking lot to get my car and I could get going.
Hmm, not in the usual rows I park. Maybe in the back.
Yep, just find my car and I'm off.
Maybe I parked in that other parking lot.
Should get going soon. Don't want to miss the movie.
Erm, not in that parking lot either. Must have missed it in that first parking lot.
Starting to panic now.
Not there....either.....I.....where....car.....Hugh Grant....what?.....uh...
"Hey listen. I was thinking maybe you should drive tonight. Well, I lost my car."
Yep, first date....I lost my car. Bad luck. So we ended up missing the movie, and we went straight to Red Lobster. Now, obviously I needed to gain back some points. I couldn't just get by on my incredible good looks, I needed to turn on the charm. I needed to show my sensitivity and compassion. I would tell you readers what I told her, but lets face it, I was making it all up anyways.
I do remember how I got excited cause it was Lobster Bisque day at Red Lobster. For those who are unaware, bisque is fantastic. I actually use it as an adjective now. "Dude, that is so bisque." It'll catch on, don't worry. So my heart was beating loudly as I ordered my favorite soup. The kindly waitress told me that they were all out, and I wanted to slap her across the face. How can they be out of Lobster Bisque at Red Lobster. I SAW the lobsters in the tank in the lobby! Go make some more!
Epilogue
Anyway, I'm almost positive the date went well. We drove back and we talked for a while. And she consented to give me a chance at a second date. Yippee (crap, I gotta do this again?). I bid her good night and as I watched her leave, I was thinking two things: "She might be a keeper" and "Where the FUCK is my car?!"
BYAH!
Rob
Sidenote: Don't let her know.
We have been dating for quite some time now. It'll always be easy to remember our anniversary because I met her at Mardi Gras Free Pancake Day at IHOP, and took her out about a week later. So whenever I see beads, I know to buy flowers.
That first date though..... Let's just say there shouldn't have been a second. I'll now give the complete rendition:
The Game-Plan
As a general rule, I like to plan out my romantic possibilities. I almost never ask a girl out until I'm completely positive she'll say yes, even if she does it half-heartedly. I have actually only be turned down once. DAMN YOU PAIGE!
So, I had met her at IHOP. I was focusing on picking which syrup to use, so I didn't give a whole lot of thought into possible dating until I woke up from my pancake-coma the next day.
I checked her on facebook to make sure she was cool, and was intrigued by her Favorite Quote: "friends are like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth." I was convinced she was the one.
Problem: I wasn't in a state of familiarity to just call her up, and I'm really bad at pretending to bump into people: "Imagine seeing you again.....in your bathroom."
Solution: She was a friend of my pal Jon, so I made him have a party. Perfect.
Springing the Trap
Well, we're all there. I'm making awkward glances at my soon-to-be-girlfriend (little does she know). There's beer pong, darts (perfect game for a crowded room of intoxicated people), and Smash.
Sidenote on Smash: I am of course referring to Super Smash Brothers, a fantastic game. My friends Jon and Stu are ridiculously good at it, and make me and Joe look ridiculous. And then we go play other people, and make them look ridiculous. And they cry. I have recently come into possession of Super Smash Brothers Brawl (the Wii version)....and I haven't done homework in about a week. There is no joke here, somebody please take this away from me.
So I walk up to my lady, and I open with this smooth line. "Hey...... (ten seconds of silence).... wanna learn how to play darts?" Scared of her response, I peed in my pants. So I spent some time with her, explaining how the pointy end goes into the board, and you wanna hit the middle. I found out that she already knew how to play, and was actually pretty good. I'm going to stick with the story that I let her win ....yeah.
OK, so talking was happening, and I was getting a few smiles. Everything seemed right on tract. So I went with the next line in my arsenal: "Hey, wanna drive me home?" Now at first this may not seem like a smart move, slightly emasculating, even. But let me explain. She is a woman...and she is what the authorities call "Asian". The fact that I plucked up the courage to allow her to drive me was a major turn-on.
Well, I won't delve into the awkward conversation that followed in the car (you've heard and done it before, no reason to elaborate). As she drove up next to my dorm (oh yeah baby ... BUNK BEDS!) I knew I should try to ask her out.
One reason for my exceptionally low turn-down rating is the manner by which I ask a girl out. I have discovered I should only deal with hypotheticals. I ask, "If I were to ask you out, what would you say?" If she giggles, laugh, cries, or pees herself, I can respond with a quick, "Well good thing I'm not!" If, however, she says she would say yes in this hypothetical, I say, "OK, pick you up at 7," and I bolt away as fast as I can before she changes her mind.
Well, lucky for me, she said she would allow me to court her. She told me later she checked me out as I ran down the sidewalk.
Casanova on Steroids
The day had come. It was time for me to go on a date. Plans had already been made. We were going to see the movie "Music and Lyrics"....
Sidenote: Our lost compatriot, Joe, has a huge crush on Hugh Grant. He went to go see this romantic comedy with his sister. He called it delightful. His favorite quote of the movie:
Vixen: "Why are your pants so tight?"
Hugh: "It forces all the blood to my heart."
Stunning.
.... and afterwards go to Red Lobster. I like to go to dinner after a movie. For starters, I get the matinee price. And also, at dinner we can talk about the movie. In total, I'm cheap and desperate for conversation topics.
So, plans are in order, I'm excited to go. I called my gal to make sure she was ready, and then set off in my polo shirt. All I had to do is walk over to the parking lot to get my car and I could get going.
Hmm, not in the usual rows I park. Maybe in the back.
Yep, just find my car and I'm off.
Maybe I parked in that other parking lot.
Should get going soon. Don't want to miss the movie.
Erm, not in that parking lot either. Must have missed it in that first parking lot.
Starting to panic now.
Not there....either.....I.....where....car.....Hugh Grant....what?.....uh...
"Hey listen. I was thinking maybe you should drive tonight. Well, I lost my car."
Yep, first date....I lost my car. Bad luck. So we ended up missing the movie, and we went straight to Red Lobster. Now, obviously I needed to gain back some points. I couldn't just get by on my incredible good looks, I needed to turn on the charm. I needed to show my sensitivity and compassion. I would tell you readers what I told her, but lets face it, I was making it all up anyways.
I do remember how I got excited cause it was Lobster Bisque day at Red Lobster. For those who are unaware, bisque is fantastic. I actually use it as an adjective now. "Dude, that is so bisque." It'll catch on, don't worry. So my heart was beating loudly as I ordered my favorite soup. The kindly waitress told me that they were all out, and I wanted to slap her across the face. How can they be out of Lobster Bisque at Red Lobster. I SAW the lobsters in the tank in the lobby! Go make some more!
Epilogue
Anyway, I'm almost positive the date went well. We drove back and we talked for a while. And she consented to give me a chance at a second date. Yippee (crap, I gotta do this again?). I bid her good night and as I watched her leave, I was thinking two things: "She might be a keeper" and "Where the FUCK is my car?!"
BYAH!
Rob
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