The United State of Forvik

Just when I think my well of bloggable topics has run dry, something (generally from the internet) comes and lands in my lap, and I must discuss.

I read this incredible article several times over to get the jist, and I'm going to give you the major points. Here we go:

In 2001, a man named Stuart Hill attempted to circumnavigate England, but his boat capsizes off the coast of the tiny island of Forvik. He has lived on the 2.5 acre island ever since.

Sidenote: Sounds like a storyline from "Lost", huh?

He has been living in a tent all this time, until suddenly he decides to go do something monumentous in his life. He wants to declare Forvik a nation independent of the United Kingdom.

Citing a 15th century marriage dowry concerning the island, King Stuart Hill claims that the island has been held unlawfully for six centuries. In his own words: "The monarchs and governments of Scotland, and Great Britain and the United Kingdom have for many years assumed powers over this island to which they were not entitled."

This is just another example of soverign western states colonizing and imposing their doctrines on native people to exploit their natural resources and make them all play cricket. Well, Prime Minister Stuart Hill is having none of that. His 2.5 acre bastion of liberty is standing up to the Man, i.e. the Queen. In a bold and patriotic move, he wrote a letter asking to be Forvik's independent steward that will submit to England in most affairs of state and/or tourism (kind of like Canada). Way to go President Stuart Hill, way to go.

I really want you guys to imagine this scene. This a drunk (educated guess) 64 year old kilt-wearing shipwreck ... living alone on a rock off the coast of Scotland in a tent ... citing Dark Age legal documents ... writing a letter to the Queen of England ... asking for freedom from the tyranny of the United Kingdom.

So here's my idea. The moment that the Queen grants Forvik independence, I think we should get some people together and invade the island. Let's all put on some blue facepaint, pick up some broadswords, and storm the beaches of Forvik. Of course, after we vanquish the evil tyrant (Lord Stuart de Hill), we should rename our island. And I'm just putting a suggestion out there: Djibouti II.

Think about it.

Byah!

Rob

My Concern

It would appear that the elections are slowly creeping up on us. In the red corner, there’s welterweight Barack Obama. Opposing him in the blue corner is the enfeebled John McCain who is looking more and more like Roosevelt every day.

It's going to quite the epic battle. It'll be like Plessy vs. Ferguson except with a more balloons and black people will be allowed in the first row.

Here is my concern.

I personally think Obama has a better shot at this. Ignoring some unforeseen circumstance, I'll go ahead and say Obama will be president. An African-American president. Incredible. Or is it?

In every movie about the future, there always seems to be a black president. Cause that's the futuristic "thing" right? It's either a black president or a woman president (and let's face it, that's a long way off). But in these movies, that’s when something terrible happens. Nuclear bomb, terrorists only Jack Bauer can deal with, alien attacks, zombie attacks, alien zombie attacks, etc.

These are awful things that always seem to be in the near future. Why? Black president. It'll happen soon, but not too soon for everyone to worry. But now it seems that the future is now. Time to worry.

That's why I'm telling everybody to vote for John McCain. Because otherwise we’ll soon be in a post-apocalyptic zombie-filled world, and I don't think I fit the personality type of a surviving character.


Byah!

Rob

Leave Me Out of It

I was in the process of driving last night when I was suddenly and inexorably drawn into a Race War. Let me explain.

I was turning onto an off ramp behind two other cars. The car in front was driving a tad too slow for the second car, who began to get close behind and crowd him (in some circles, this is known as "freaking"). We have all seen this happen, and I knew the two were going to be pretty pissed at each other.

So we come off the off ramp onto a three-lane street. Up ahead, a stoplight turns red. The first car gets into the right lane. The second car gets into the left lane. I roll on up into the middle lane, which was probably a mistake.

On my right was an Indian guy looking very angry. If you are having trouble picturing an angry Indian man, think of an Arab. On my left was a black guy giving dirty looks right back.

Sidenote: I spent a long time wondering if I should capitalize black. Hopefully I made the right call.

The thing is, these two guys are giving their angry looks through my car. I actually grabbed my seat control and rolled back a few inches so I wasn't in the thick of it. I could feel the tension building. As the light turned green, I knew I was about to die.

Ultimately, I decided to wait a few seconds to let the two cars get ahead of me. This might have been a good decision, because about five seconds later, the Indian guy pulls into the middle lane. A few minutes later, the black guy turns left at the next light, and the Indian guy follows him!

I decided not to follow and see how the evening turned out, but I know what the result will be: Race War.

Byah!

Rob