History Lesson

I love history, I think it's fascinating. It's like, woah, that happened, ya know? I like hearing individual stories about different time periods, really try to experiene what happened. Anyway, this blog is devoted to sharing some of my favorite stories with you all. And they are all absolutely true.....

ROME

All of the information we have on Rome comes from texts written centuries later, from looking at the three types of columns, and from pictures on pots. But the big thing everyone knows about Rome are the GLADIATORS. And there actually is one surviving account of a gladiator owner named Ashius.

Ashius was an industrius gladiator trainer, and he went over all of Rome capturing and training as many gladiators as he could. You could say, in fact, that he had to catch them all. His first, and favorite, gladiator was named Pikachues. So they went around the Roman empire challenging as many other trainers as they could.

When Ashius found someone to fight in an arena, he would yell "Go get 'em Pickachues!" And as Pikachues would fight, Ashius would yell things like "Use Quick Attack Pikachues!"

Anyway, long story short, they were crucified.

MIDDLE AGES

The feudal system was big back then. The basic idea behind it is fairly well known, but I'll give you a basic explanation. The King is the big man, with many lands and vassals. Now he sets up this system where he recruits ten Lords to be part of his plan.

Each of these ten Lords pays the King 10 dollars to be part of the plan. The King then tells each of them to recruit ten more people, getting ten dollars from each of them, except the King gets a cut.

So each of these Lords each go and recruit ten Knights, getting ten dollars from each of them and giving 20% of their earnings to the King.

And now each of these Knights go and recruit ten Serfs with the same proposal.

And then one of the serfs says, "Hey, this is fucking stupid!"

REFORMATION

I know a lot of people don't really know what the Reformation was, so I'll tell you. It was a true tale of perseverence: about fighting a corrupted dogma and about getting ideas about personal salvation out there.

I mean sure there were the wars, massacres, guillotines, and wasps later on, but what I'm talking about is the the thing that started it all. That thing was Martin Luther getting a copy of the 95 Theses on those big church doors. This dissertation was a tirade against indulgences, church corruption, and Michael Bay movies.

What people don't know is that it took him a few tries to get the Theses on the door.

First he tried a sticky notes. But each Theses needed its own sticky note, and eventually a stiff wind scattered all 95 of them across Europe.

Then he tried putting up a dry erase board, and writing it all there on the spot. That way, if he wanted to, he could go back and erase one if he thought #43 just wasn't Theses-material. But that failed because somebody came during the night, wiped it all off, and drew a big penis. It was still signed by Martin Luther though, so he was really embarassed.

But finally after several more failed attempts, he got a brilliant idea. And with much dignity he NAILED his 95 Theses to the church doors. And from that moment on, European politics has been delicately intertwined with Home Depot.

OLD WEST

Saddles, leather chaps, stirrups, cattle prods. You have to pay good money to get to use that stuff now-a-days, and for entirely different reasons.

Every Old West movie I've ever seen had a good old-fashioned duel at the end. Two guys staring each other down in the middle of a deserted mining town. Old prospecters wimpering in the windows. The aged doctor with the spectacles wisely looking on. And the schoolmarm Miss Rosie begging Clint not to do it.

Sidenote: Nobody has ever cared to tell me why there's a schoomarm in a town where there aren't any kids...or women to make the kids....except the schoolmarm.....oooh....that's thinking ahead right there.

But these Old West showdowns weren't always so formulaic. The standards were set March 15, 1869. Billy the Kid was gonna have a shootout with Jack the Adolescent. The dispute was over copyright infringement.

The fight started the night before:

BILLY: sup
JACK: how do you think you did on the schoomarm's geometry test?
BILLY: not too bad
JACK: lol
BILLY: why did you lol there? it wasn't funny, you're just a fuckin retard
JACK: fuck you
BILLY: alright then, we're shootin this out tomorrow at noon
JACK: high noon?
BILLY: fuck yeah

And so the two met at high noon, and they started the duel. Billy the Kid laid down the rules: "....and we'll each walk 20 paces, turn, and DRAW." Jack the Adolescent agreed, and so they measured their paces. At twenty, they turned and faced each other. Neither made a move as they stared each other down.

"This town ain't big enough for the two of us," said Jack the Adolescent.

........."What?!" yelled back Billy.

"I said this TOWN ain't big enough for the TWO of us!"

"I can't really hear you! Maybe next time we should measure ten paces instead!"

"Okay."

BAM!

WORLD WAR II

For anybody who doesn't think sequels ever do better than the originals.

So the French were still recoiling, Britain and America were doing their best along the western front, America was island hopping in the Pacific, and Russia was losing millions along the eastern front.

At this time, some of their allies were cramped in a bunker: Pierre Auture of Canada, Esteban Cuertes of Guatemala, and Ali Khal of Saudi Arabia. They looked at each other until Esteban asked, "Hey, do you think anybody would notice if we left?"

THE FUTURE

The crisis in the Middle East will have come to a head. Another world conflict will seem inevitable as negotiations are coming to naught and the world's economic instability seems certain to drive all the nations of the world into chaos.

But then, the current President of the United States (all 49 of them, Kansas seceeded, so America now looks like a donut with Alaska and Hawaii being the sprinkles that fell off) will make a speech. Not just any speech, but an impassioned speech that will be a symbol for the end of the conflict in the Middle East

He/she will raise a white/black hand and finish the speech: "Mr. Ahmadinejad, TEAR DOWN THIS TENT!"


Thats history for ya

Byah!

Rob