Appalachian Hollywood

I feel obligated to explain my abysmal lack of posting to this rallying point of American culture. It's time you faced the facts: I am actually quite uninteresting. I only post when something of interest actually occurs (and I remember it by the time I get home). Of those that I remember, about 50% turn out to be funny only to me. Another 49% of them are 'you had to be there stories'. This leave 1% of everything interesting that happens to me that I can relate to you readers.

At this point, most of you are likely wondering if I'm actually going to tell a tale or if I'm just pissing in the wind (you can make a rainbow if you angle it right). The others out there are wondering where the pictures are because they Googled 'erotic pinecone'. Click BACK you weirdos!

Well, enough is enough, I do have a tale.

Some of you might remember a certain blog of mine entitled "The Big Screen" in which I regaled you about the debut of my acting career.

Sidenote: None of the acting involved the use of a pinecone. Seriously, click BACK right now. And get help.

The film was campus-produced giving advice about the process of moving off campus, and I had a relatively large role in it. That was several months ago. Guess what? We're still shooting! There was big screw-up in the management, and we ended up being delayed for a very long time. Somebody couldn't work at that date. Somebody couldn't work on the other date. The cinematographer had to pick up a shift at Burger King......it was a royal mess.

But finally, in the past week, we have started the gears rolling again. We started filming outside of somebody's house. We never met the owners....I hope they knew what was going on.

For starters, the place was a dump. Shingles were literally falling off the roof while we were there. Half of the windows were covered up by, no joke, aluminum foil. In the yard, there was a beer pong table on its side next to another beer pong table. And here's the kicker: the place was covered in Halloween decorations. It is currently late April. Something is amiss in this neighborhood. As you walk in the front door, there is a six foot zombie bride holding a bowl that I'm sure was once filled with candies but now seemed to be a bin for condom wrappers.

Sidenote: Hopefully nobody saw me, but I moved the zombie by a window so she could have a roll in the movie. We'll see if she makes the cut.

The first scene that we shot was a night shot that was all about an unplanned keg party growing in size: people wandering up to the porch, holding plastic cups (filled with grape soda). If any of you readers actually get to watch this thing, there will be a moment when you hear a jangle of keys, you see some car lights go off, a door will slam, and then somebody walks into the shot to join the party. I am intricately involved in this scene. Not because I was the guy walking in, or even his friend he meets up with. No. I have the all-important roll as light-flicker and door slammer....a role which i performed for forty-three minutes.

Normally, I would be greatly annoyed by this, and would have taken a nap or done homework, but something extraordinary kept happening. We had a dozen-or-so extras in this shot, all holding red cups as props, laughing, gamboling around in between takes. Off to one side there was a bright light and a camera, but it really wasn't that noticeable. So, every now and then... a group of freshmen (I assume this because no one else would be so naive) would walk up, start talking, and then ask where they could buy a cup. Of course, nobody would tell them what was going on...because the look on their faces when the director yelled "Quiet on set!"....priceless.

Well, after a while, I got my chance to say a few lines as well. I actually have no idea how good of an actor I am, but I'm positive I'll be nominated for some sort of award for my work. Send me an email if you would like a shout-out in my acceptance speech.

A few days later we did some more filming. I had a leading role in one scene as the guy raking leaves and then going to meet the neighbors. To start with, it took 23 takes for the director to say I got it right, so that little patch of grass was raked straight through to the bedrock. It took so many takes because I could not control that damn rake. Every which way I positioned it...the handle was in front of my face...or the neighbor's face....or the roommate's face. It was impossible. When I tried to hold it behind me, I was told that it looked like a massive hickory penis. When I asked what the problem was, I had to take a timeout.

The last scene that I shot was about my roommates and I meeting with a campus lawyer to discuss our lease. The guy playing the lawyer actually was the campus lawyer. When I met him, he told me wasn't an actor. I replied that I wasn't either. We bonded immediately.

So it had been a hot day, and I was wearing shorts and t-shirt (what I always wear when meeting with a lawyer). The shot involved the two of us sitting down and discussing some questions we had about the apartment. That night, after the filming was done, I was getting ready for bed. And that's when I remembered that I had decided not to wear any underwear that day. So I had just shot a scene... facing the camera... sitting down.... with a pair of relatively open shorts.... and nothing to stop this from being an R rated informational film.

So that's that. I am done filming. They should be done with editing and touch-ups and special effects by the end of summer (Smeagol apparently makes an appearance). I'll let you guys know how I look on camera when I see the final production, and I'll try to bootleg a copy for everybody to view.

Until then...

Byah!

Rob