Lessons of Rob

This blog is a little blast from the past.

My sister is currently dredging through her college application process. And being the experienced collegiatoso that I am, I have been attempting to aid her. The big thing she is having trouble with has been her personal essays.

And with that in mind I started looking at my own college essays. One of them I still think is amusing. Here it is, titled simply: The Lessons of Rob

Lesson 1

Two people work at the same company. Harold scored 1600 on the SAT. Earl scored an 1120. Both are up for the same position as chief financial officer. Both Harold and Earl know that they need to impress the boss to be promoted. For the last two weeks both have been working hard.
They both see her at the copying machine. It isn't working and she looks frustrated.
Howard holds a minor in engineering from Harvard, and he immediately steps up. He starts explaining that perhaps the rollers were jammed, and proceeds to try to reroute the document. After several minutes with no success he admits failure and walks back to the cooler.
Earl then walks up and says it might be out of paper. Earl gets the job.
The Lesson: Knowledge should never overshadow sensibility.

Lesson 2

John is talking on a cell phone outside. Next to him there is a construction site. Across the street there is a park. He doesn’t pay attention to his surroundings as he is calling in about a very important merger. The man he called has a strong German accent and John is concentrating so as not to miss anything. He sees ducks are flying overhead. He pays no attention. The man is talking about Euros, and as John tries to convert the number into dollars, someone yells "DUCK!" John doesn't care about a flock of birds, so keeps walking.
A brick falls from the construction site. It lands on his cell phone and demolishes it. The German businessman is very upset by what happened and subsequently calls the merger off.
The Lesson: Grasp the big picture, but don't ignore the details.

Lesson 3

Fred is a realtor. He is persuasive, endearing, and successful. In school he did very well in business, legal affairs, and finance. However, he has never been skilled at calculus and trigonometry, and he never tried to improve his scores. He doesn't think of the subject as useful.
Fred is in trouble. A psycho has captured him and put him in a cell. And on the wall in big letters is:

You can leave if you answer this question

A train is leaving Cleveland at 66 miles per hour
at 4:30 and another train 400 miles away is leaving
Newark at 6:00. When will the two meet and at what
distance from Chicago? Chicago is 65 degrees north
of west from Newark. (HINT: Draw a picture)

Frank is in trouble.
The Lesson: Knowledge is never useless


Yes indeed, if you follow the Lessons of Rob, you can never go wrong. Of course, you wouldn't get into that particular college that I submitted this to.... but other than that, you're golden.

Most of the other essays were frivolous nonsense about how great a person I was (obviously a bit of a stretch to prove). One part I laughed at in particular was a section about an event when I was at an outdoors diabetes camp (sugar-free bug juice rocks!). I wrote about how I had helped one of the younger campers (a cute little tot named James) learn how to do an insulin injection all by himself, and about how James gave me a big hug before going home with his parents. ..... This was a lie. There was no James. I'm a bad man.

There were quite a few other essays to a multitude of colleges. And as I read them, I realize they're actually pretty good. They were appealing, endearing, and something more. They convey a depth of something. I wouldn't call it character, who are we kidding? But of something.

I've always had this hinting suspicion that I'm actually a very deep person. There's more than meets the eye here, and I'm not just talking about disproportionately strong calves. I'm talking about mental, man. I'm talking about a emotionally fragmented, spiritually attuned subconscious savant.

For example....sometimes...when I look in the mirror....I see myself.

Whoa right?

Whoa.

And I've always kind of thought that because I happen to be a decent writer. Not just this blog crap I do every now and then, and not just these essays. But other stuff. I've won literary awards. I've written some memorable short stories. I can prose like you wouldn't fucking believe.

But I realized today that I am not deep. Not at all.

What I am is an exceptional Bullshitter.



And James is doing quite well. We still write.



Byah!


Rob