Sidenote: I did not write 'Joe and I' because grammar is stupid.
...have already said our part about our Christmas festivities.: Joe with his humorous tweezers and I with my racism. But before I go on, some stories must be told about New Years:
The One with the Water Bed
To start with, a large crowd of us decided to spend New Years as far away from our family as possible in a rural town that we normally stop at for gas on the way to civilization. Just so happens a friend of us from that locale had evolved to the point where she could leave the area and achieve higher education. She had invited us for some new years festivities.
My girlfriend, being Chinese, didn't really believe in our New Year's, but she decided to come as well.
When we arrived at said locale, we were allowed to pick out beds. I immediately smelled awesomeness and discovered that there was a water bed. I love to sleep with the vague idea that my raft had drifted off to sea. That night....I was a pirate. If only me and Joe and gone ahead and bought thought $34.50 slippers already.
The One with the Laser Tag
In a Santa Grab-Bag kind of deal on Christmas Eve, I had received an incredible gift. Laser Tag. Sure Laser Tag was the dried up shell of entertainment it used to be. Sure it was marketed for kids 8 and up. And sure the straps dangled in front of me because they couldn't reach each other in the back. But dammit, its Laser Tag.
It was fun for about five minutes.
Until somebody...Joe.....remembers that all you have to is cover the sensor with one hand while you shoot.
....
I hate you Joe, and that was the main reason for this next story.
The One with Show and Tell
For all the people who attended the party, there was in total, one bathroom. One shower. One toilet. 17 various bottles of shampoo and conditioner and body wash. All alphabetized with the labels facing out. And DEATH to whomever messes with said bottles.
So Joe was taking a shower while a girl (an avid reader of the blog, let's call her "Caitie") was washing her face in the sink.
Sidenote: The washing of the face is apparently a big deal to girl's. I've seen a lot of commercials with pretty girls just splashing their faces: cleansing the pores and all that junk. Guys...I'm gonna go ahead and say it...don't have pores. We have seven holes on our head, and two of them are filled with eyeballs. That's it.
I was not one to let such an opportunity pass me by. I begin walking through the bathroom, and grabbing the shower curtain, I continue walking. As one would expect from such a situation, there was a gasp from the occupier of the shadow accompanied by a flurry of hand-to-crotch movement. At that moment "Caitie" turned around at the commotion...and saw everything.
Joe insists that it was cold that night.
The One with the Minor
Statutory rape has such a stigma around it. At first I thought it was about people who have forced entry with statues. Turns out this is not the case. Apparently it involves contact across the Age Line. This age line which is around 18 in most societies prohibits making whoopie and gaining entrance into the Triwizard Tournament.
The person who was throwing this hoopla was a Freshman at our University for the Gifted, and as is not uncommon, she had some younger friends who were still in high school. These two young ladies were swiftly indoctrinated into our type of conversation. Our friend Jon informed them as to the benefits of butt sex, and I told them that I prefer amputee girls because they can't push me away.
These ladies, it turns out, were the innocent age of 17. The single guys of the group immediately threw up their Fortresses of Solitude and committed themselves to celibacy. One of our group, let's call him "Joe" (name might sound familiar), soon had a problem. As the night wore on, it became clear that one of the girls clearly had a thing for him. So the whole night was a battle within himself not to get too drunk as she basically followed him around, openly giggling.
"Joe": Hey, let's play quarters.
Hannah Montanah: Can you teach me?
"Joe": I don't like Kings, pick a different game.
Vanessa Hudgens: Yeah, I don't like Kings.
"Joe": How about Fuck the Dealer?
Quagmire: Gigity Gigity Goo!
The One with the Ketchaculation
This will be a short story because I am still embarrassed about it.
We went to dinner at this diner-type place. A bunch of us were at a long table waiting for our food to come. On the other side of the table I saw my compatriots somehow rolling ketchup packets into neat bricks and stacking them. I have no idea how it was done, and I still don't. At my first attempt at it, I rolled the ketchup packet a little too tight...and to the amusement of most, it exploded...
Sidenote: Rob? What do you mean by exploded? I mean it fuckin exploded! The entire fuckin diner turned around.
...splattering ketchup on my girlfriend's face. To which my friend Jon immediately yelled: "You just busted all over her face!"
There is no telling how many apologies and good deeds it will take to clear this fiasco up.
The One with the De-Brained Rabbit
This has nothing to do with the New Year's party. This occurred after I had returned home. For Christmas, my dog had received a squeaky chew toy in the shape of a rabbit. We did not have much hopes for the survival of this animal, but nobody expected this:
Sidenote Scene from Starship Troopers: "Looks like the bugs got at his brains, sir."
The One with the End of the Blog
BYAH!
-Rob
4 comments:
You used my name! You know, I'm quite proud when I make the blog.
For your info, there were four bathrooms in that house and the only part of Joe I saw was his chest and a lil thigh. Or maybe he just has a micropenis...
Oh yeah- "girls" does not have an apostrophe in it.
That is all.
I am also proud to have made it into the blog, it makes me feel quite special.
And yes, our town is rural but still civilized. And now about those bottles.... The labels were not alphabetized nor were they all facing out. Just thought I would point it out..
Holy FUCK! You get internet in your town?! Or did you morse code that comment in?
Yes we do get internet, but at the time of the previous comment I was in Northern Va..... "byah"
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