Out of Hibernation

Ah my resplendent readers, time has been cruel. You look awful. I, on the other hand, am well rested and ready to begin this fantastic process of blogging once again.

Joe and I...

Sidenote: English grammar and I are on speaking terms again.

...decided to hold off on the blogging until all the votes had been cast and the new title had been chosen. Of the dozen(s) of absentee ballots sent in, we only listened to ourselves. I am not going to write for a blog named Scuttlebutt. I refuse.

So, we've been holding off on writing any blogs for a little while. Even if the mood should strike me and I had a brilliant idea, I just kept it locked up until I could write with impunity. And readers, I had a good one, too. It had wit, class, and flavor.

Unfortunately I received a blunt force trauma to my upper temporal lobe recently...and I completely forgot my blog....as well as third grade.....

Until inspiration for a well-written diatribe on the American ideal comes my way again, I'm just going to share some stories and thoughts with you:

Cartoon Fruit is Wrong

In my free time I enjoy cartoons. Tom & Jerry is delightful in ways I can barely understand, and a day involving the Roadrunner always proves to be fantastic. But I do have one problem with this created world.

Their fruit is all wrong.

Take the apple. When it's in it's full form, it's drawn fine. I'm talking about when it is discarded, and becomes a core. Whenever I see a drawn apple core, it always looks like this:


Think about it for a second. When have you ever left an apple core like that? When you finish the core, its a cylinder. What's with the leftover at the top and bottom? No sane person leaves a shred of red on their apple core. I'm more accepting of the people who eat the entire core, seeds and all. At least they're good consumers. The people at Looney Toons are wasteful! Shame on them.

And then there's the banana. At the early age of seven I came to the astonishing conclusion that...banana peels...are not slippery. Not in the slightest. They are, in fact, full of friction. We have been lied to, America.

Three Goals of My Life

1) To master the art of Occlumency.

2) To burp and fart at the same time, to see if my tummy will implode.

3) To have my future wife be the inspiration for a Lifetime channel movie.

Built Ford Dumb

I've seen a lot of stupid things in my years year at college. I've seen someone try to balance on a keg rolling down a hill. I've seen a guy dance with two girls without them noticing. I've even witnessed one moron try to microwave his own pants. But I've seen something recently that might even rival that last one, and it was in broad daylight in presumably sober circumstances.

We've all seen, at one time or another, a vehicle towing another vehicle. A tow truck would be a good example of this. Sometimes you see a little Camry being pulled by a van on the highway, and they have it set up so that the brake lights still show up behind the both of them (I think that's kind of cool). Both of these do the job safely and with effective results.

I was driving around campus the other day, and I see a small pickup truck slowly pull out onto the road. I saw nothing peculiar about the situation until I saw what that vehicle was towing. Tied behind the small truck was another (much bigger) white truck. I don't know what the situation was, but I sincerely hope that the big truck was horribly crippled and unable to function. Otherwise, a person who attends the same institution of higher learning that I do decided that he wanted to see if there was any truth behind "The Little Engine That Could." As the small truck towed the big truck up an incline on campus, I realized that the individuals involved must have seen this commercial:



Take a close look at that commercial. What was tying the truck to the airplane? Chains. Big F'in chains. You want to know what was connecting the two trucks in my real-life commercial? A rope. Singular. I'm sure it was braided very well and made out of the best hemp money can buy. Despite all that, the cars behind the little Ford parade were giving them a wide berth well above the three-second-rule.

I was going in the opposite direction, but I parked to watch the fun. The little truck started trundling up a hill, almost to the point of standstill. And as I hoped would happen, there was....a parting of ways for the two trucks.

I wish I had brought popcorn.

The smaller car gave a sudden lunge forward as the rope snapped (who'd have seen that coming?), and the big truck started doing what physics wanted it to do. The best part was the expressions on the faces of the people behind as they saw the back-end of American steel coming at them. To me, their eyes were saying "Well fuck me sideways. I'm screwed."

At the last second the truck swerved onto the sidewalk and came to a halt. Disaster averted, to the extreme disappointment of most. At that point I drove off, but I really wish I could have been there when the owners of the trucks decided on what to do: "Well jeez, Hank. I guess next time we should try two ropes."


Byah!

Rob