Irresistible

This might be a tough break to all my female readers out there, but I am, in fact, in a relationship.

Sidenote: Don't let her know.

We have been dating for quite some time now. It'll always be easy to remember our anniversary because I met her at Mardi Gras Free Pancake Day at IHOP, and took her out about a week later. So whenever I see beads, I know to buy flowers.

That first date though..... Let's just say there shouldn't have been a second. I'll now give the complete rendition:

The Game-Plan

As a general rule, I like to plan out my romantic possibilities. I almost never ask a girl out until I'm completely positive she'll say yes, even if she does it half-heartedly. I have actually only be turned down once. DAMN YOU PAIGE!

So, I had met her at IHOP. I was focusing on picking which syrup to use, so I didn't give a whole lot of thought into possible dating until I woke up from my pancake-coma the next day.

I checked her on facebook to make sure she was cool, and was intrigued by her Favorite Quote: "friends are like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth." I was convinced she was the one.

Problem: I wasn't in a state of familiarity to just call her up, and I'm really bad at pretending to bump into people: "Imagine seeing you again.....in your bathroom."

Solution: She was a friend of my pal Jon, so I made him have a party. Perfect.

Springing the Trap

Well, we're all there. I'm making awkward glances at my soon-to-be-girlfriend (little does she know). There's beer pong, darts (perfect game for a crowded room of intoxicated people), and Smash.

Sidenote on Smash: I am of course referring to Super Smash Brothers, a fantastic game. My friends Jon and Stu are ridiculously good at it, and make me and Joe look ridiculous. And then we go play other people, and make them look ridiculous. And they cry. I have recently come into possession of Super Smash Brothers Brawl (the Wii version)....and I haven't done homework in about a week. There is no joke here, somebody please take this away from me.

So I walk up to my lady, and I open with this smooth line. "Hey...... (ten seconds of silence).... wanna learn how to play darts?" Scared of her response, I peed in my pants. So I spent some time with her, explaining how the pointy end goes into the board, and you wanna hit the middle. I found out that she already knew how to play, and was actually pretty good. I'm going to stick with the story that I let her win ....yeah.

OK, so talking was happening, and I was getting a few smiles. Everything seemed right on tract. So I went with the next line in my arsenal: "Hey, wanna drive me home?" Now at first this may not seem like a smart move, slightly emasculating, even. But let me explain. She is a woman...and she is what the authorities call "Asian". The fact that I plucked up the courage to allow her to drive me was a major turn-on.

Well, I won't delve into the awkward conversation that followed in the car (you've heard and done it before, no reason to elaborate). As she drove up next to my dorm (oh yeah baby ... BUNK BEDS!) I knew I should try to ask her out.

One reason for my exceptionally low turn-down rating is the manner by which I ask a girl out. I have discovered I should only deal with hypotheticals. I ask, "If I were to ask you out, what would you say?" If she giggles, laugh, cries, or pees herself, I can respond with a quick, "Well good thing I'm not!" If, however, she says she would say yes in this hypothetical, I say, "OK, pick you up at 7," and I bolt away as fast as I can before she changes her mind.

Well, lucky for me, she said she would allow me to court her. She told me later she checked me out as I ran down the sidewalk.

Casanova on Steroids

The day had come. It was time for me to go on a date. Plans had already been made. We were going to see the movie "Music and Lyrics"....

Sidenote: Our lost compatriot, Joe, has a huge crush on Hugh Grant. He went to go see this romantic comedy with his sister. He called it delightful. His favorite quote of the movie:
Vixen: "Why are your pants so tight?"
Hugh: "It forces all the blood to my heart."
Stunning.

.... and afterwards go to Red Lobster. I like to go to dinner after a movie. For starters, I get the matinee price. And also, at dinner we can talk about the movie. In total, I'm cheap and desperate for conversation topics.

So, plans are in order, I'm excited to go. I called my gal to make sure she was ready, and then set off in my polo shirt. All I had to do is walk over to the parking lot to get my car and I could get going.

Hmm, not in the usual rows I park. Maybe in the back.

Yep, just find my car and I'm off.

Maybe I parked in that other parking lot.

Should get going soon. Don't want to miss the movie.

Erm, not in that parking lot either. Must have missed it in that first parking lot.

Starting to panic now.

Not there....either.....I.....where....car.....Hugh Grant....what?.....uh...

"Hey listen. I was thinking maybe you should drive tonight. Well, I lost my car."

Yep, first date....I lost my car. Bad luck. So we ended up missing the movie, and we went straight to Red Lobster. Now, obviously I needed to gain back some points. I couldn't just get by on my incredible good looks, I needed to turn on the charm. I needed to show my sensitivity and compassion. I would tell you readers what I told her, but lets face it, I was making it all up anyways.

I do remember how I got excited cause it was Lobster Bisque day at Red Lobster. For those who are unaware, bisque is fantastic. I actually use it as an adjective now. "Dude, that is so bisque." It'll catch on, don't worry. So my heart was beating loudly as I ordered my favorite soup. The kindly waitress told me that they were all out, and I wanted to slap her across the face. How can they be out of Lobster Bisque at Red Lobster. I SAW the lobsters in the tank in the lobby! Go make some more!

Epilogue

Anyway, I'm almost positive the date went well. We drove back and we talked for a while. And she consented to give me a chance at a second date. Yippee (crap, I gotta do this again?). I bid her good night and as I watched her leave, I was thinking two things: "She might be a keeper" and "Where the FUCK is my car?!"


BYAH!

Rob